I'm so scared about it but what can I do?
Perhaps this post should have started with a warning that this one is not gonna be quite so happy. Although I'm betting you knew that already when you read the title.
Yep, that's right. My husband and I are on a (much more challenging than we had hoped) mission to have a baby.
28 months ago we were so excited we were that we were going to start trying to have a baby. All we talked about was how thrilling it will be when (in probably the next 1-3 months) we will find out I'm pregnant. And how wonderful it will be when we tell all our friends and family! And how exciting it'll be when we find out if we are having a girl or a boy. And that moment we get to hold our sweet little baby and how it will be the most amazing moment of our lives.
Oh how naive we were about how easy that whole process would be.
28 months later and we haven't even completed stage one of the plan.
There have been blood tests a plenty, scans, surgeries, medication, people poking about in places I don't love having on display, appointments with all sorts of specialists and more trying desperately to get our baby we have been dreaming about and praying for.
Despite not ending up with a lovely little baby, I did end up with a diagnosis which is a lot more than many women get. So there has been at least one positive from all the troublesome things we have been going through.
They found out that I had both Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Two conditions that can cause infertility.
I know these are pretty common conditions but I didn't know what either of them were until I was diagnosed with them. So here is a quick summary of both just so you can fill in the blanks about what each of these things are if you haven't the foggiest what I'm talking about.
Endometriosis is a condition where the tissues that line your uterus (called the Endometrium) grow elsewhere in your body, generally in the pelvic area. Unfortunately they still behave as normal tissue from the uterus. This means they thicken, break away and bleed like the tissue inside your uterus does. Because the blood can't escape it can become quite painful. The tissue around these stray Endometrium can become irritated making them become fibrous, thick and scarred. This can cause problems with fertility.
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome:
PCOS is a condition where a woman's hormones are out of balance which causes the maturing eggs in the ovaries to form into benign ovarian cysts. PCOS affects you in a multitude of ways. It causes weight gain, insulin resistance, infertility, where you want hair you lose it, where you do not want hair you get it, acne, depression, anxiety and more.
During all these tests, appointments, failed pregnancy tests and seemingly everyone else I know announcing on Facebook that they were pregnant I became pretty depressed.
I've always had a natural tendency to get low anyway, but during this time I was worse than ever. I felt like I had no one I could talk to about it that had any sort of idea what was going on with me and how it felt to be in this situation. I felt so so alone.
It all became too much for me so we took some time off all the appointments and things to have a break and relax about it all, just hoping things might happen naturally in the meantime. But sadly nothing has happened. So we are starting again with all the testing and appointments. Hooray! *said very sarcastically.*
I'm feeling really scared about it all. I'm scared it won't help. I'm scared that all our savings will disappear on it and we will be broke with nothing to show for it. I'm scared of getting that depressed again and feeling so helpless. I'm scared of being alone in it again.
Yesterday I had my first big batch of blood tests taken to check out my hormones and things like that.
Next week I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist (hormone specialist) to start effectively working on my hormones and hopefully start some sort of fertility treatment.
I'm planning to keep updating the blog with how things are going on this fertility journey of ours. Hopefully sometime soon I'll have a happy announcement to make!
Do you have Endometriosis, PCOS or infertility? Follow along and let's support each other!