I was so angry at God.
I didn't admit that I was mad at God to myself at first. I pretended that I was on good terms with Him because I thought that it was silly and I didn't like the idea of it. I think subconsciously I thought if I didn't admit it, then it wasn't real and God wouldn't know how I felt.
It got steadily worse. I started thinking about how angry I was more and more. It became consuming. I would stomp around my house in such a rage. I was so mad. How could God treat me this way? Wasn't I a baptised believer? Was I not faithful enough? Had I done something wrong that God wanted to punish me for?
I started openly telling my husband about how mad I was at God. I told other friends and family too.
When I spoke to God, it was not in a reverent, holy way. I yelled at Him. I threw temper tantrums and told Him I hated Him. I started thinking thinking of my days as a battle against God. If I won I would get what I wanted. I was so mad at God. I even held my faith ransom against Him. I basically said “I’ll love You again when You give me what I want.” I'm ashamed to say I honestly behaved like a spoilt little child.
This infertility business has honestly been weighing so heavily on my heart I just about broke.
Jealousy, bitterness, self pity and self loathing were constantly swirling around in my head. I was depressed and anxious. I felt so trapped and so alone.
I had to get to an all time low before I finally realised that to get better I had to restore my relationship with my God.
Since then I've been on a journey to renew my faith, love and trust in the Lord.
I thought it would be really difficult. I thought after months and months of sinking into despair and pulling further and further away from God I would need months and months to pull myself out of it.
I'm lucky to have a God who doesn't expect that. He didn't even make me crawl halfway out. He met me right where I was. Although I thought I was totally alone He had never really left me. I was just looking at Him all wrong.
God doesn't allow trials into your life to punish you or hurt you. Trials are there to polish and perfect you. They are supposed to draw you nearer to God because you recognize there is just no way you can get through it in your own strength.
God doesn't enjoy seeing us in pain. He wants us to be happy. But he can see a bigger picture than our tiny human minds can see. He can see the picture of eternity. He would rather see us full of joy in His glorious kingdom, than give us whatsoever we desire right now that doesn't refine our character or lead us back to Him.
From all this I've learnt I have a hugely loving God. I will happily wait for God's timing. I will be patient and I will keep striving to grow my faith and become closer to God.
Have you ever been angry with God? How did you overcome that anger?