Recently I lost my only baby during the second trimester of pregnancy after three years of infertility.
It has been the most heartbreaking experience I've ever been through. Hands down.
As I'm sure many women in the early stages of pregnancy, I had imagined what miscarrying would be like, but my guesses were very wrong. In fact not even close to accurate.
The physical pain of labouring my baby was excruciating. I had no idea how bad the pain would be. I had no control of my body. Pain killers, killed no pain. I couldn't stop throwing up and at its peak I was starting to think I would pass out.
The spiritual pain of having my baby die was horrible. So much confusion, anger, bewilderment and suffering swirled around my mind. It certainly gave me moments where I questioned my faith.
But the emotional pain was by far the worst. Knowing that I'd lost my little precious child was almost more than I could bare. It hurt much much more than the physical or spiritual pain and it's going to continue hurting a very long time. Mostly likely my whole life. How do you get over something like that?
I've got to admit, my faith was shaky for a few days after my little boy was gone. I could not understand why God would do that to me. My mind kept racing with thoughts like,
“why would You bother allowing me to get pregnant after years of infertility only to then go and kill my baby?!”
and “what did I do wrong that You would want to punish me like this?!”
and “do You just hate me and enjoy seeing me suffer?!”
I just couldn't make sense of it. It didn't make sense. And that my friend, is because it simply isn't true.
Right when I needed it one of my very best friends, Tessa who blogs over at thegravies.com, sent me a quote from an episode of the TV show “Call The Midwife”. It made me cry and cry when I read it because it was so right and my attitude had been so wrong.
I haven't seen the TV show so Tess explained to me that this is a nun talking to a midwife called Jenny after her boyfriend had just died.
And it says…
“God isn't in the event Jenny. He is in the response to the event, and the love that is shown, and the care that it given.”
~Call The Midwife S3 E5
Just let that sink in for a moment.
God did not kill my baby. God was not punishing me. God doesn't hate me and want me to suffer.
Things happen. Awful, horrible, heartbreaking, sad and miserable things. Things happen to everyone at sometime or another. No one is immune to trials and struggles in this life. They just happen. That's part of living in this sinful, fallen world.
It rains on the just and the unjust (Matt 5:45)
God doesn't set out to cause bad things to happen to us but He does allow them to happen. They grow us and stretch us. They make us uncomfortable but ultimately leave us better people than before.
I'm kind of rambling about the negative side of it and that is not where I want to focus. What I really want to speak on is all the good. That's where God actually is.
Our Father is a God of love.
1 John 4:7-8 says “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and everyone that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.”
Like that quote from Call The Midwife suggests God isn't in the pain. He's in the love after the pain. And boy have I felt that.
Since my miscarriage I have been overwhelmed with messages of support and love. People have made me meals. I've had lots of lovely flowers and cards. I've had so many people offer to pray for me. Even some who aren't religious!
People have shown me love without measure! That love is not an innate natural thing. That love is from God. When we show love we are manifesting His character. It shows a maturity and an empathy that can only be developed with time surrounding ourselves with God, His word and His people.
“We love because He first loved us” 1 John 4:19
As the receiver of a lot of beautiful love recently I have been so appreciative of seeing God's love for me through the kindness of others. It's kept me going and kept me strong even when I thought I would break.
God's love never fails.
This love has inspired me. This love is contagious! I want to be a better person and show more of God's love in my life.
So to all those who have supported me through this, thank you. You have been Christ to me. You have ministered to me and lifted me up. I will forever appreciate and hold you in my heart for that.
Has anyone revealed God's love to you recently? How have they been Christ to you?