“Be Still” ~ Psalm 46:10
I saw this tacked up on a door at church recently. As I stared at it I thought to myself “I don't even know what ‘still’ is.”
I don't mean physical stillness. I do that. But mental and emotional stillness. Totally different story. That sort of stillness never comes.
The rest of the sentence actually reads “Be still and know that I am God.”
I really got thinking, when am I ever still and thinking about who God is? Never. My mind is never quiet. It's so full of fertility stuff that there just isn't possibly any room for God in there.
“How many steps have I taken today?”
“I know you want to eat that but don't. Your blood sugar levels will spike and you'll get fat.”
“You're never going to get pregnant.”
“Ooooh, was that a pregnancy symptom? I'd better Google it to find out then browse through like 29 websites to find one the one I like the answer of best”
“I'm too fat. I'm not good enough”
“Better take a detox bath.”
“To take a pregnancy test or to wait for Aunt Flo. That is the question.”
“Ergh, I've gained 200g! I am useless!”
“Here's my pill for breakfast, my 6 pills for lunch and my 3 for at dinner. If I forget any I'll be in trouble.”
Honestly my head is overflowing with this stuff. Well this stuff and just plain overwhelming sadness. Depression is the worst.
Sitting there reading this poster stuck up on a door, it hit me that my pursuit of a baby has long become my life's pursuit. It takes up vastly more time and head space than my pursuit of God.
Having a baby has actually become an idol to me and daily I worship at its feet. This was never my intention. It has just somehow snuck up on me. I guess that is the nature of being sinful humans right? Evil creeps in so naturally and we don't even realise it until it's kind of a big thing.
This is actually not the first time I have realised I have a problem with this. If you are interested I wrote a whole post on our modern day version of idolatry here.
Since then those words “be still” keep popping into my brain and circling around in there like a duck on a pond. My focus in life has become being a mother and not being a daughter of God.
The more I think about it the more other passages that relate to this have started jumping into my mind.
“Seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God…” ~ Matt 6:33
“He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” ~ Matt 10:37
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” ~ Mark 12:30
These passages aren't me. They clearly point out to me that my focus has gone astray. Where my focus should be on glorifying and manifesting God, it had turned to having a baby so I can get what I want, glorify myself and have a little manifestation of James and I.
It is natural to want to have a child and a good thing IF it is balanced with a deep love, respect and focus for the Lord.
So what am I going to do about it? A challenge!
For the month of September I am taking a break from trying to conceive. Like if it happens, great! But I'm not going to let any of my mental energy go there. Instead of pursuing a baby, for the whole month I'm going to pursue God. I'm going to put in a special effort to get to know Him again and fall back in love with His word in a deep and rich way.
There is such benefit in getting into the Bible in a deep way. When you let it permeate your whole life there is such peace and joy. It's ridiculous that I don't do it more but honestly life gets in the way and I start to forget. It's so great that I get random little reminders like a poster saying “Be Still” to get me motivated and energised for diving back into God's word.
Keep up to date with how this challenge is going by following me on Instagram.